There is an urgency inside of me today to set aside everything, yes even the most important of priorities, and put my thoughts on paper. Im learning to shed the fear of speaking truth. Even if that truth leaves those around me questioning. Even if that truth leads me on a journey of the unknown. Even if that truth separates me from all that is comfortable.
The picture i seem to paint for my life is always a neat one. Always in a clean studio and solely relying on just one canvas. It never contains more than three colors and always respects the white space. Its often over thought to be certain that it symbolizes an exact idea. I know exactly when to put the brush down and I always rejoice in the finished product. My brush is always cleaned and set back in its respected drawer upon finishing. But I believe that God views my painting in a different light. He is begging me to think less and paint more. To risk overdoing it. To start with 20 canvasses and an array of brilliant colors. He wants me to fall in love with the process instead of the finished product. He is showing me that the value lies not in what someone is willing to pay for it, but the time that I poured into it. He loves a messy studio and laughs at the occasional paint covered brush left to dry next to the sink.
I believe that God has been holding my brush these last 2 years. A top 25 ground breaking church plant. A new career path. A brand new marriage. All fruit from letting go of my plan and hanging onto his. With all of that said, I believe that greater things are still yet to come. Despite being the optimist, I sit here weighed down by big decisions. Do I want to pursue becoming an operator at Chickfila? Does my future lie between the four walls of a church? Should I begin sending resumes to architecture firms again? Am I doing all that I can to be a great husband? Am I banking enough to someday give my children the life that I had? Am i strong enough to throw aside all that is hindering me from Gods destiny for my life? Is my desire to seek and save the lost where it used to be? I realize the seriousness of these questions, but im tired of living behind a facade that assures me popularity in church and among my peers. For months now these thoughts have riddled my brain. The crazy thing is that I dont have a burning desire to set aside everything else to pursue that one thing. I long to toss the front door open one day screaming “Ive got it”! I know what it is! But that day hasnt come yet. So I patiently wait, soaking up all i can, doing the best with what ive been given, where ive been placed.
It scares me sometimes to think that i don’t have a specific identity, even though I know I do in Christ. That i cant say with a firm and confident voice, I live to (fill in the blank). That i don’t burn to pursue one thing. That i’m wasting my life by giving 80 percent to my wife, my job, my church, and most importantly, my God. With everything I do, I desire to be great. I dont believe that pride is the catalyst for this way of thinking. Ecclesiastes 9:10 states that whatever our hands find to do, do it with all of our might. I know that God has placed that desire inside of me, which makes where I am today even more difficult to chew. Ive read that greatness is achieved by devoting oneself to one thing. How can I be great at one thing if my time is spread across the board?
Even though a few things are unclear to me right now, I must continue to remain honest about who and where I am today. Honest that everyday isnt rainbows and confetti. Honest that I need Jesus now more than ever. Honest in that I dont have it all together despite what it looks like from the outside. I’ve spent most of my life afraid to be honest in fear that those around me would think less of me. He is a good guy, he would never do that. He is a pastor, he would never think that. But I believe that honesty is what will take me from where I am today to where God wants me to be tomorrow, even if that place is currently unclear.
Recently I picked up 83 Lost Sheep, a book written by Gerry Stoltzfoos, the lead pastor at Freedom Valley Worship Center in Gettysburg, Pa. I have been skimming through books lately in hopes of finding that next life changing read. There was something deeply refreshing and challenging about this one. This book is filled with one mans radical belief that he was called to plant a church and that nothing and no one could stop him. In it lies the honesty to others and obedience to God that i long for. He gave up his motorcycle. He even gave the entirety of his own building fund to another church. He ignored the doubters and used every obstacle to fuel the vision God had placed in his heart. My soul screams when I hear people living outside of the typical. Its not a coincidence that so much favor has come across his path. When we place God first, he always provides. Easy to say, yet so few believe it enough to venture out into unchartered waters.
I believe that right now im sitting in shallow waters waiting for the fog to lift before shipping out. But what if it never does? Am i willing to ship out anyways, even though the destination isnt visible? The waters up to this point have been familiar and all too still. There is a call to deeper seas and greater adventures. A small piece of me enjoys where I am. But the rest of me begs to pull up the anchor and set sail. Even if faith is my only guide.
dude its Chick-fil-A!