Its been four months since Lifestone Church was planted in the south side of Pittsburgh. Its been that same amount of time since i placed my trust in God that he knew what he was doing in calling me to be a part of such endeavor. My feelings toward it take me back to my freshman year of architecture. Those days just seemed to be filled with mistakes, doubts, and insecurities, not only in the program, but in life itself. I spent many days wrapped in fear towards my inexperience in the design field. I compared everything i did to those around me and often found myself embarrassed at times at what i was forced to pin up on the wall. But with my families encouraging words, prayer, and my own stubbornness, I stayed the course.
My mom just mailed me a note that i had posted on their fridge during my sophomore year of college stating this. ”Mom and Dad, I didn’t pass Architectural Engineering, and im not taking it again. So i’m changing my majors. Your Son.” She told me that she kept it because she knew I would someday need the reminder that not everything always goes as plans. She knew I would stay the course. She was right. (Always is.)
I didn’t remember writing such a note. In fact, i’m pretty sure i blocked that entire second year of school from my mind. I spent nights in bed distraught over poor grades, poor decisions, and terrified i would never graduate. I tossed and turned questioning my design concepts. Were my drawings readable? Did my model portray the intent of the building? Did i spend enough time on everything? Should i feel guilty for not going into studio? Did i produce a project my professor was proud of? Daily these questions riddled my thought life and it wasn’t long before my mind had allowed itself to physically begin to destroy my body.
Then the phone would ring, and my dad on the other line would state the famous phrase. ”There are only three things you needed to do today. Eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom.” ”Did you do those all of those things”, he would ask. I would always end laughing and I respond as anyone would. ”Yes, dad, I did all of those things.” ”Then you had a great day”, he would reply. I cant tell you how many times he said that during my 5 years, but every time he did, it quickly reminded me that all wasn’t as bad as it seemed, and that no matter what, whether I graduated with high honors, or failed out that semester, I was loved. Point for Dad.
These days, I find myself fighting similar thought patterns, but i’m thankful that past experiences can shed light upon current situations. I question my leadership skills, level of commitment, and lack of experience in pastoring the lives of those around me. Its been really intimidating learning how to build team, resolve conflict, be dependable despite being drained, and through it all place God first.
Did i forget to email so and so? Did i over schedule myself? Should i feel guilty for not attending every outreach? Should i have said yes to doing more, when i cant seem to find time to do what is on my plate now? Should i have given more in the offering? Am i reading the bible enough? God is our church successful in your eyes? Are we who you want us to be for this community?
In may of 2006, I walked across the platform and was handed the accolade that to me, for 5 years, seemed unachievable. Did I have doubts about it? Yep. Were there days I wanted to quit? Yep. But for some reason, among the stress, worry, and the tears, I hung in there to accomplish the goal I had set for myself.
Four years later i find myself in a different location with different challenges, yet the same questions, doubts and fears. But none of these have a hold of me like they did in my past. I now know that although I don’t seem fit for the responsibilities at hand, they still remain my responsibilities, and that no matter what, I will stay the course.
Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised. – Hebrews 10:36
So glad you’re blogging again…sometimes when we are in the middle of what we fear the most or feel insecure about…but we must always remember that God equips those he calls. Keep doing what He has called you to do. Love you Rink….